In this World Mama post one fulltime working mom of two beautiful girls is sharing the honest truth about divorce. No sugar coating, no fairytale happy endings: just hard work and trying to make the right decision for everyone involved, including yourself. Read Heather’s story.

A common post-divorce conversation goes a little something like this:

“Hey Heather, how is the new house?”

“Well I don’t live there anymore.”  I say it this way in part because it is true, in part because it is another way of saying I have split from my husband, and the third part being I like the shock value that arises from the brutal honesty during an encounter with an acquaintance. (potential personality flaw)

“Oh…..okay”, they reply. Then I explain further, leaving the victim feeling embarrassed, ignorant, and worst of all pitying me. After giving details of my current life situation, the victim almost always (99.5% of the time) responds, “I’m so sorry.” To which I don’t reply.

The Guilt

Making the conscious decision to file for divorce and split up my family was, by far, the most difficult thing I have ever done. It is also a decision that took careful consideration over the course of many months. Although necessary, there is a certain amount of guilt that I feel I will live with for eternity. Guilt for not being able to provide for my children a stable and traditional family situation that I also never had. Guilt for probably not being the best wife and mother during my marriage that I could have been. However, life is short and I knew that for us both to be happy and live to our full potential, there was no way we could do that together. Nothing in particular happened, we just did not get along and that is all I will say about that.

The Pain

My decision to leave crushed my husband and left him dumbfounded and as a human (I feel, a fairly decent one), you never want to hurt someone like that. I moved out and we decided to have a shared custody situation in which we would have the kids on alternating weeks – another thing that was going to take some horrible time getting used to. Not seeing my children every day will never be easy. Another thing that most people won’t admit is how hard it is HAVING them as a single parent. It’s sometimes a daily struggle, not that I’d trade it for the world, but takes much more planning, patience, and a little more compassion and forgiveness for yourself.

I moved to another town and attempted to start a new life. But that was not the tip of the iceberg. Actually obtaining signed paperwork was a lot more work. I won’t ever forget the day we went in to the courthouse. It was ten minutes before they were set to close, the staff thrilled that we showed up last minute.  Unable to find a sitter for the kids and being they are young, one was dressed in a princess costume and one in pajamas… It was a sight. I had believed I would feel this huge sigh of relief once all was said and done but it can be described more as a 100 pound rock being dropped on my chest. I walked out to my car and the tears flowed like the rain of a hurricane.

The Uncertainty

I think there are a set number of events in our lives or choices we make that always have a level of uncertainty to them and we wonder. Did we make the right decision? What if..? And that is what initiated my intense sadness after everything was final. These events shape us and the rest of our lives. Literally EVERYTHING hangs on probably five choices I have ever made.

The Climb

Fast forward to today and I am happy to say I made the right choice and I think my ex-husband would say the same thing. That is not to say it was not the most painful and heart wrenching experience of my life. Many nights I laid awake almost shaking with the anxiety of the future and the memories of the life I left behind. However, we are both happier people now and better parents and have learned a lot through the whole process. We have both formed new friendships and been able to cultivate old ones. I have had the opportunity to experiment with many new hobbies and also dive into my more creative side. We have known each other almost our whole lives and I feel extremely blessed that the girls’ dad and I are still friends after all the heartache we both endured.

It has created a better environment for everyone and we are able to enjoy our children more than if we hated each others guts. I don’t want to make this sound like a happily ever after fairytale, because it isn’t. Not yet, anyways. This experience left me bitter beyond belief. Bitter with the institution of marriage, men and the world itself at times. Hell, my life can be HARD depending on the day. I am a mom of two young ones and I work full time to try to support the three of us, financially and emotionally. I think I work even harder trying to remain calm, fun, and caring and just trying to be a ‘good’ mom. In a nutshell, I like to think that at least now I am on the right track to that happy ending, wherever it may be.

“Congratulations on your great life choices”

I know that when people say “I’m so sorry” they mean well. I also think it’s a cop out and a default answer for people when they don’t know what to say or don’t want to put any personal thought or emotion into it. Shortly after my divorce was finalized, I had an appointment with my ‘lady’ doctor and when I told her about what had happened, she responded “Congratulations on your great life choices”. What I think she meant by this is, good job doing what makes you happy regardless of what society or others might influence you to do. It isn’t easy going against the grain and doing things that are going to be frowned upon by others or that might hurt people.

 

When do you so you’re sorry?

That being said, happy couples don’t get divorced. None that I know of anyways. So the “I’m so sorry” response doesn’t really apply here. Unless of course, there are extenuating circumstances, which sometimes there are. Otherwise, be compassionate and understanding, but a far better response is, “When can you go for wine?”. So the answer the question: when do you say you’re sorry? Likely never.

Love,
Heather

You can follow Heather on Instagram. She also has a really cool lifestyle blog called The Tulip Collective.