I tell my eldest daughter to be careful more often than I tell her I love her. Not because I don’t love her. I love my daughters more than anything in the world. And I tell them multiple times a day! They are my world. They sum up my being, my joy, my happiness, my life. When Isaya came into the world everything started to make sense. There was no more confusion about what’s important in life, what could or should bring happiness. The true meaning of life, for me, is being their mother.

And being the best mother I can be. Not a perfect mom – that’s impossible. But the best mother I can possibly be. I try, every day. I fail, every day. But I try again, the next minute, hour, day, week. Because I will do anything for my daughters. Their happiness, health and safety is my main priority and focus in life.

(Be Careful of) That Fierce Love

And that – that fierce love – is the reason why I say “be careful” more often than I say “I love you”. Because if something were to happen to them, my entire world would collapse. I am a loving mom. But I am also a scared mom. I am afraid something will happen to them. 

In the Dead of Night

I’m afraid they will fall off stairs, get hit by a car, run over by a bike, hurt by other people, drown in a pool, get caught in a fire. And so, so much more. I have compulsive thought intrusions about every horrible thing that could happen to them. Some fears are about “real” dangers, some are about freak accidents that are very unlikely to ever happen. Unstoppable thoughts, that just pop into my head, whenever we walk down the street, are at the beach, drive the car or ride our bikes. But mostly, most vividly, these thoughts intrude my brain at night. Before I fall asleep, I see one of my kids drown in dark, deep water. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I see one of my daughters lying on the floor, not ever waking up again, because they choked on a marble.

I hope you are not judging me by now, or think I’m completely bonkers. Compulsive thought intrusions are actually very common amongst (new) moms. They will have their newborn baby in their arms, at the top of the stairs, and get a very vivid mental image of their child falling down. Or they can be standing near a window, gently rocking their baby and see their child falling out of the window. A lot of moms are shocked by or afraid of their thoughts, because they reason “if I think this, does it mean I want this to happen?” Quite the opposite. As a mom, you just become very aware of all the dangers in the world: everything that could potentially harm your child.

Talk Away the Taboo

Of course, if you do have thoughts about harming your child or hear voices telling you to harm your child you should immediately alert your doctor. You are not a horrible person: hormones, mixed with the trauma of birth and just a pinch of sleep deprivation can make you go a bit crazy real quick. Ad a predisposition to mental illness to the mix and having a baby can be a very big trigger. About 10% of women suffer from postnatal depression. Of course not all of these women have compulsive thoughts. And not all mothers with compulsive thoughts suffer from a postnatal depression or a mental breakdown.

Safety Love First

I am a very happy and blessed mom. Just also a very scared one. I see danger everywhere. This has some “advantages”; for instance I take good precautions when it comes to the safety of my children and I am very watchful and try to be attentive in my day to day with my kids. But I do not think it’s okay that I tell my daughter “be careful!” more often than I tell her I love her.

The Scale of Fear and Love

And that is because I believe the scale of fear and love should never tilt to fear. And if it does, we need to do everything within our power to have it tilted back to an overflow of love. Because terrible things happen when we are dictated by fear instead of inspired & motivated by love. And even though my fear comes from love, it doesn’t make it less controlling. Love is free. Fear is a prison. I do not want that for myself and I definitely do not want that for my children. 

Tilt it

I truly believe that by putting love and kindness on the forefront we create a better world, with happier, healthier and better human beings. So, I want to change. I want to tilt the scale. I will always be a watchful, careful mom. But I want to instill faith, trust and confidence in my children, not fear. I want them to feel loved, every single day, not suffocated by anxiety. 

A first step

I think being aware of all of this is the first step towards change. And then, every time I feel the impulse to say, call or yell “be careful” I will take a deep breath and assess the situation first. Of course, this will not always be possible. Because sometimes the danger is immediate. Some situations ask for a quick, instant reaction. The scale shouldn’t be void of fear. Fear has it’s purpose. I will just have to mindful not to have it take over. Love should win. Every time. It’s all we truly have in this world. Because it is not separate from us.

We are love.

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Maybe, for you it’s not “be careful”, but something else you tell your kids more often than you tell them you love them. Maybe it’s “be quiet” or “sit still” or “stop fighting” or “don’t do that” or… Whatever it is, it may be worth taking a moment and reflect on why this is happening, what it is telling you and if this is something you feel you want to change.

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