This weeks World Mama is from Minnesota. Meredith is married and has a beautiful little girl. Today she is sharing her story. Meredith’s story is about her feelings on pregnancy (horrible!), being a mom (amazing!) and wanting a second child (scared!). I knew this mama and I had a lot in common when she sent me her story and I read the next lines: “I worry about EVERYTHING. I try not to be too outwardly insane, although inside, I’m freaking out and worrying!”  I think a lot of moms feel like they need to keep the crazy inside in order for the world to accept them. Not here, not now. I’m happy World Mama can be a place where mamas from all over the world can be themselves.

Being pregnant with my little girl was hard, but not medically challenging. I just really didn’t enjoy pregnancy. I felt nauseous up until 15 weeks and moderately decent until about 20 weeks, when I got super sick with bronchitis and felt awful for about 2 months. So by the time I actually did feel good again, I was to the point of feeling like a huge whale. And then it was time for baby!

My husband had told me the whole pregnancy, “you’ll forget all about it! That’s what they say!” Defiantly, three days before my daughter was born, I wrote “Pregnancy isn’t that bad” on a Post-It. Then underneath that phrase, in case I ever did forget, I wrote “YES IT IS”.

Clearly, I wasn’t having it. And I do remember everything I didn’t like about being pregnant. But the same week we brought my daughter home from the hospital, I started wondering about when we could have another baby. Not because I didn’t want this baby—GOD no. I love her more than anything in this whole world. Her birth was amazing; everything about becoming a parent for the first time was absolutely incredible, and a thousand times more magical than anyone can ever describe in words. I just found what I had been looking for, but never knew I wanted so badly: to be a mom.

My daughter just turned 9 months old. I love every single second of every breath she’s taken in this world. My heart hurts sometimes from loving her so much! Lately, I’ve started thinking more and more about when we can start trying for another baby. We’ve settled on maybe sometime around her first birthday to go off birth control and just see what happens. I can’t WAIT!

But my secret? I’m scared.

Can You Love Your Second Child Like Your First?

I didn’t have any baby experience prior to my daughter to compare babies. I never babysat babies, I’m an only child, and most of my friends either had their first baby around the same time I did, or has kids that were older. So trust me when I say we don’t have other babies to compare ours to, but we think she’s pretty awesome. To me, she’s perfect.

I’m scared because what if the next baby isn’t healthy? What if something happens? What if the next baby isn’t as relaxed or as happy as she is? What if my daughter really doesn’t want a sibling? What if she gets upset? But mostly…What if I can’t love another baby the same as I love her?

I know some of you will think I’m crazy. Actually, I hope this is the case. I’ve found more ways to be crazy and overprotective in the past 9 months than in my whole life. I worry about EVERYTHING. I try not to be too outwardly insane, although inside, I’m freaking out and worrying!

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What if I can’t love another baby the same way? Why do I keep thinking about this so much? As I mentioned, I’m an only child. I had all of the love and affection from my parents, all to myself. I was a jealous kid. I never wanted my parents to give attention elsewhere. In fact, I was apparently so upset that my aunt and uncle were having my cousin, that I cried about it because then they wouldn’t get to be with me as often. Wow. Need attention much?! I’m happy (and thankful) to say I’m not a dramatic, attention-seeking adult, but I do want to be loved by the people I love most, and I want the people I love to know how much I love and care about them. I never want my daughter to feel like we made a sibling for her because she wasn’t enough, or because we weren’t satisfied with just her. I never want her to grow up thinking that she wished she could have more of our attention.

This is an honest, raw, and open-ended thought stream. I don’t have the “Ah-HA!” moment of “but then I realized XXX, and it was ok!”. This is how I feel, and it’s hard to feel this way. I love my daughter so much, and I always want her to feel like she’s number one. But how do you make sure all of your kids always feel equal love? I would love to hear any of your opinions, advice, and words of wisdom as I enter this stage of motherhood!!

With Love,
Meredith

Meredith has a beautiful blog called Mommy in Leggings. You can also follow her on Instagram and Facebook!