“I am able to be moved by the fact that my child loves me the way I should have been able to love myself all along, without reservation, without doubt, without fear. And I no longer mourn the loss of the girl I used to be. Rather through the birth of my son, I praise the birth of the woman I was always meant to become.” When I read these words, written by this weeks World Mama, I got goosebumps. I think a lot of mothers will be able to relate to Jordan’s story. I am very happy she wanted to share it here. Jourdan is the ninth World Mama of 2017 and the last one of this season. You can check out all sixteen World Mamas here. If you would like to share your story, then send me an e-mail: email@example.com. But first, I would love for you to meet Jourdan, from Charleston, South Carolina.
I am Jourdan. I am 27, a mother, a wife, and a woman who continues to learn and evolve every single day. I have always loved children and had a strong desire to be a mother. So when I became pregnant with my son, Kingston, I knew that I would have this immense amount of love for him, but I could never grasp the reality of it until the day he was born.
I prayed for Kingston. And even though I’d like to think of myself as a good person, I still don’t believe that I am worthy of being this little boys mom. What I received was way more than I was ready for ( in a good way.) I had a very smooth pregnancy, everything was normal, and besides the minor aches and pains of pregnancy, I loved mostly all of it. I felt the most beautiful and sacred when I was carrying his little life inside of me, amazed that I was able to perform such a task.
The moment I became a mother, I felt something I believe every mother has felt. An overwhelming love for the life that I grew, who now suddenly existed outside of my body. And then, complete fear. Fear of how I would protect him from this world, things that were completely out of my control. Fear of how I would keep this perfect little baby, perfect. As if somehow I would mess it all up just by being a flawed human being. I was rough on myself and did it all, trying to be the perfect mom, if there is such a thing. I have an amazing mom who was there for me in any way she could be. She saw me through breastfeeding when I stood in the kitchen crying like a baby because I didn’t think I could do it. I have an amazing husband who tried his hardest to understand what I was going through as a new mom (even through post baby hormones when mostly nothing makes sense) while still trying to navigate being a new dad himself. The fact of the matter is, we were both still young, and everyone knows parenting doesn’t come with a special handbook when you leave the hospital. Mostly you just bring your baby home in a state of shock and sit down somewhere in your baby’s nursery (in my case it was in our room in the rocking chair) and stare at this new baby wondering…. what now?
After a while, as I drifted into the routine of caring for my baby, I began to feel something else. While I still loved him so deeply, I felt a sense of loss for someone else I once loved… myself. In the back of my mind I longed for the care free person I was able to be once. The person who could wake up at any given time, shower for however long I pleased, blast my music at any time of the day, take my time getting dressed, doing my hair, putting my make-up on, then be out of the door with a mere purse in tow, carrying only my belongings. The person who’s time was her own, and could do with it whatever she pleased. As time went on I fell into the pit of self pity. I couldn’t seem to pull myself out of recalling everything about the woman I had spent 25 years building, who in my naïveté I believed had disappeared.
Want to read more World Mama? Check out this post from Shannon.
But then something happened…over time I realized, I hadn’t disappeared. I was beginning to evolve, to become a better version of myself. Those little things I missed & longed for, had little to no actual substance in my life. They were shallow things that had become routine because I never had a valid enough reason to change them. Sure they were replaced by shorter showers, throwing my hair up however it may go that day, completely disregarding make up, and leaving the house with a thousand things in a heavy bag for my baby. But so what? I decided that I had spent enough time mourning who I used to be, and now moved into a space where I could fully appreciate the woman I was turning into. A woman who could still take pride in her outer appearance without having to rely on it to feel good about herself, a woman who was able to shed those false feelings of love, and focus on what it meant to bear a love so deep for herself that it needed no validation from the outside world.
So now when I wake up, I am able to look into the eyes of an amazing little person, who God trusted me enough to have a hand in creating. I am able to be moved by the fact that my child loves me the way I should have been able to love myself all along, without reservation, without doubt, without fear. And I no longer mourn the loss of the girl I used to be. Rather through the birth of my son, I praise the birth of the woman I was always meant to become. He will never really know the weight of my gratitude towards him, for allowing me to discover this.
It’s been almost 2 years, and now, as I move into the next stage of my life, and prepare to welcome our baby girl into this family, I know that things will be different this time. I know that I will put less pressure on myself to be a perfect mom, to be a perfect woman, and instead exist everyday soaking up the moments that will pass us by so quickly. Enjoy the best thing I’ve ever been a part of, growing my children into great human beings. Allowing them to pass that same love & wisdom on to their children. To give the world a gift of good people. Because that, to me, is what means the absolute most in this life. That, to me, makes me feel like a real woman.
Check out Jourdan’s website, for the most adorable baby clothes. I am in love with the wise and beautiful texts on the items. You can also follow this amazing mama and her beautiful family on Instagram.