This weeks World Mama is from Minnesota. Meredith is married and has a beautiful little girl. Today she is sharing her story. Meredith’s story is about her feelings on pregnancy (horrible!), being a mom (amazing!) and wanting a second child (scared!). I knew this mama and I had a lot in common when she sent me her story and I read the next lines: “I worry about EVERYTHING. I try not to be too outwardly insane, although inside, Iβm freaking out and worrying!”Β I think a lot of moms feel like they need to keep the crazy inside in order for the world to accept them. Not here, not now. I’m happy World Mama can be a place where mamas from all over the world can be themselves.
Being pregnant with my little girl was hard, but not medically challenging. I just really didnβt enjoy pregnancy. I felt nauseous up until 15 weeks and moderately decent until about 20 weeks, when I got super sick with bronchitis and felt awful for about 2 months. So by the time I actually did feel good again, I was to the point of feeling like a huge whale. And then it was time for baby!
My husband had told me the whole pregnancy, βyouβll forget all about it! Thatβs what they say!β Defiantly, three days before my daughter was born, I wrote βPregnancy isnβt that badβ on a Post-It. Then underneath that phrase, in case I ever did forget, I wrote βYES IT ISβ.
Clearly, I wasnβt having it. And I do remember everything I didnβt like about being pregnant. But the same week we brought my daughter home from the hospital, I started wondering about when we could have another baby. Not because I didnβt want this babyβGOD no. I love her more than anything in this whole world. Her birth was amazing; everything about becoming a parent for the first time was absolutely incredible, and a thousand times more magical than anyone can ever describe in words. I just found what I had been looking for, but never knew I wanted so badly: to be a mom.
My daughter just turned 9 months old. I love every single second of every breath sheβs taken in this world. My heart hurts sometimes from loving her so much! Lately, Iβve started thinking more and more about when we can start trying for another baby. Weβve settled on maybe sometime around her first birthday to go off birth control and just see what happens. I canβt WAIT!
But my secret? Iβm scared.
Can You Love Your Second Child Like Your First?
I didnβt have any baby experience prior to my daughter to compare babies. I never babysat babies, Iβm an only child, and most of my friends either had their first baby around the same time I did, or has kids that were older. So trust me when I say we donβt have other babies to compare ours to, but we think sheβs pretty awesome. To me, sheβs perfect.
Iβm scared because what if the next baby isnβt healthy? What if something happens? What if the next baby isnβt as relaxed or as happy as she is? What if my daughter really doesnβt want a sibling? What if she gets upset? But mostlyβ¦What if I canβt love another baby the same as I love her?
I know some of you will think Iβm crazy. Actually, I hope this is the case. Iβve found more ways to be crazy and overprotective in the past 9 months than in my whole life. I worry about EVERYTHING. I try not to be too outwardly insane, although inside, Iβm freaking out and worrying!
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What if I canβt love another baby the same way? Why do I keep thinking about this so much? As I mentioned, Iβm an only child. I had all of the love and affection from my parents, all to myself. I was a jealous kid. I never wanted my parents to give attention elsewhere. In fact, I was apparently so upset that my aunt and uncle were having my cousin, that I cried about it because then they wouldnβt get to be with me as often. Wow. Need attention much?! Iβm happy (and thankful) to say Iβm not a dramatic, attention-seeking adult, but I do want to be loved by the people I love most, and I want the people I love to know how much I love and care about them. I never want my daughter to feel like we made a sibling for her because she wasnβt enough, or because we werenβt satisfied with just her. I never want her to grow up thinking that she wished she could have more of our attention.
This is an honest, raw, and open-ended thought stream. I donβt have the βAh-HA!β moment of βbut then I realized XXX, and it was ok!β. This is how I feel, and itβs hard to feel this way. I love my daughter so much, and I always want her to feel like sheβs number one. But how do you make sure all of your kids always feel equal love? I would love to hear any of your opinions, advice, and words of wisdom as I enter this stage of motherhood!!
With Love,
Meredith
Meredith has a beautiful blog called Mommy in Leggings. You can also follow her on Instagram and Facebook!