The moment I knew I was pregnant I also knew there would be no limit as to how much I would love my baby. My love for Isaya is unconditional, eternal, immeasurable. To the moon and back and then some. A child needs this kind of love to thrive and I love feeling and giving so much love. But it can also put me in some pretty exhausting situations. If you are a mama, you know discomfort is part of the deal. It starts during pregnancy, peaks when you give birth and any leftover boundaries pretty much disappear as soon as your baby arrives.
The other week Isaya was ailing. Not only did she have a cold and a fever, two molars had decided to come through in the same week. On top of that, it turned out, she had the Hand-Foot-Mouth Disease. I have never seen her in so much agony. I have always been able to comfort my baby, either by cradling, singing, breastfeeding or wearing her. But this was no joke. She cried and cried, grabbed her cheeks, got angry if I tried to give her a pacifier, bottle or boob and overstretched her body if I tried to hold her. I hate seeing my baby in pain. I hate it. Big time.
So, here is what three nights of tortured teeth- baby and limitless love- mom look like:
Me at seven o’clock in the evening: O I hope it won’t trouble her too much tonight. Hopefully she wants to sleep in her own bed so I can get some sleep.
Me thirty minutes later: Okay, she can sleep in our bed. But hopefully she will want to sleep on her own side of the bed so I can get some sleep.
Me twenty minutes later: Okay, she can sleep on top of me. But I hope she will want to lie down in a position that enables me be comfortable as well.
Me ten minutes later: Okay, I don’t have to be comfortable. Just as long as I can sit down…
Me five minutes later: Okay, we I don’t have to sit, we will walk around. As long as I can hold her in a way that is not too burdensome for me.
Me two minutes later: Okay, it doesn’t matter how she wants to be held, as long as she doesn’t cry it’s fine.
Me a minute later: I can’t do this anymore! Stop crying, please, or I will put you in your own bed.
Me two hours later, still carrying and cradling a sobbing baby: Don’t worry, mama is here, I will hold you till morning light.
It’s amazing how much your mind and body can take. How far you can stretch for the sake of love. It’s crazy on how little sleep you can function. How many hours you can carry your baby. How strong your body is. How much patience you actually have. Love is such a powerful thing. It’s beautiful. It’s exhausting. It’s scary. It’s amazing. It’s….Everything.